I have to confess that a moribund depressive paralysis set in after Liverpool's defeat by the forces of darkness last Saturday at Anfield. So much so that not even an invitation to the Irish Bloggers' Beano could have overcome the mortification I felt for most of the weekend (I guess my invite got lost in the post, eh lads?).
The miasma of doom and despondency which surrounded me was only lifted after the Barcelona game on Tuesday night. However while the result was helpful to our European cause, the performance in that game didn't exactly fill me with me joy in abundance. If we can do everything wrong for most of the game against Barca and go through, how is it that we can play Man U off the park for 90 minutes and still lose to a goal in injury time scored by a player who would struggle to keep his place in an Eircom League side?
Pondering this I've been developing a theory about the dark denizen of Old Trafford, the archfiend Alex Ferguson. I am convinced that the man is in league with the devil. Even without the innumerate Graham Poll, Fergie's minor demon and scourge of scousers everywhere, on hand to deny us a justified penalty or Uri Geller the rules sufficiently to give United one, they still manage to eke out a win at Fortress Anfield.
How else can you explain the fact that a team so weak in so many areas, a side which should have been struggling to keep in the hunt for a Champions League place by the first week of January, currently sits atop the Premiership like Lucifer on the throne of Hades? I'll tell you. It's because Alex Ferguson has sold the soul of another of his offspring to the dark lord Mephistopheles.
Now I don't exactly have what you might call hard evidence for this theory, but the circumstantials are there if you look hard enough into the man's biography.
- He's from Govan, well known in Scottish legend as one of the inner circles of Hell
- As a young man he supported and played for Rangers (Ask any Celtic supporter what that means for one's mortal soul)
- He was sacked from St Mirren for 'unpardonable swearing at a lady on club premises' (Definite evidence of a step on the road to perdition, that)
- Aberdeen, a club that hadn't won anything since 1955, suddenly starts to win cups and trophies galore when he takes over. Coincidence? I think not.
- He left them to manage a club known apparently as the 'Red Devils' (Spooky or wha?)
- He once gave a 'team talk' to Strathclyde Police
- His son Jason is a football agent (Definitely a case of a soul sold to further his ambitions and sure evidence of a family trait for diabolic collusion)
- Another son, Darren spent 8 years in the purgatory that is Wrexham and was last heard of managing Peterborough Utd (Oh the price the children pay for the sins of their father).
- He has poor taste in names for his boy children. I suspect he has one called Damien hidden somewhere.
- He received a knighthood on 12 June 1999 (Do the maths. 12 is two 6s, June is the 6th Month and 999 is 666 upside down. What better evidence could a reasonable person ask for satanic involvement)
- Man U won their 6th title in the Millenium Season 1999-2000. A definite sign of impending apocalypse and the rule of the Antichrist.
- Ruud Van Nistelroy was signed the following year for, wait for it £18 million. (That's three 6s again)
- Wayne Rooney looks like a goblin and, as the evidence below shows, smears himself in the blood of sacrificial virgins (or aged prostitutes if no virgins available) before every game.
- The injury time goal against Liverpool on Saturday was scored by a cloven footed beast (affectionately known to Republic of Ireland supporters 'that fucking donkey O'Shea')