Monday, March 19, 2007

More Mad Cow-ism at the Irish Times

In a decision described as 'further evidence of a bizarre trend' the old lady of D'Olier street has put another cow story on its front page. Unlike like the last one however, this bovine bunkum has serious implications.

Down in Wickla, where all manner of weird and wonderful things ecological have been happening for years now, Prof Harry Harrison has been refused permission to retain three new windows in his house near Killiskey, Ashford after the owner of an adjoining field objected primarily because of the possible risk to livestock.

Refusing permission in the case, the board said the three windows would "negatively impact on the amenity and agricultural use of the adjoining field" now and in the future.

This, of course, is planner speak for a failure to grease the right palms over a pint or two down at Shifty O'Shaugnessy's Wine Bar, Bistro and Post Office on a Tuesday afternoon.

Fears were also raised by undisclosed sources that the cows might treat the windows as an escape route from the unwanted attentions of a priapic Wicklow farmer and come to harm attempting to batter down the toughened glass.

It was also rumoured that, as one of the windows opened on to the dining room, the animals might be severely traumatised by the sight of one of their relatives going up in a Sunday roast. The effect on milking rates in the locality could be another Chernobyl, a unnamed spokesman said.

You lookin' at me, muthafucka?
Well there ain't nobody else here.

Local livestock expert and Bord Pleanála stalwart Paddy O' Lughnassey pointed to the cows' natural reclusiveness as a possible explanation for the objection. 'Tis a well known fact that the half-Holstein is a very private animal. She wouldn't be taking kindly now to blow-ins after knowing her business every hour of the day and night. We have a bounden duty to protect her from this sort of thing.'

Unnamed local sources reported that Professor Harrison placed a large order for stout brown envelopes with Mrs Shifty only the day after the decision was announced.

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