Lá le Pádraig Newsflash
In a pre-holiday crackdown intended to improve the quality of St Patrick's Day, Garda have today rounded up the following groups of people for offences under Section 35 (Amended) of the Annoying the Diaspora Act:
1. Anyone from Dublin who think its funny to don a ginger fright wig, a green bowler hat, or a kiss me I'm Irish tee-shirt just because that's what they do in New York.
2. Fuckwits from anywhere on earth who thinks its ok to wear a ginger wig, a green bowler hat, or a kiss me I'm Irish tee-shirt on the island of Ireland, period.
3. Arseholes who say to anyone who will listen 'You know, in New York they dye the beer green. They're mad the yanks, so they are.'
4. Sanctimonious bastards who feel obliged to remind you that 'it's supposed to be a religious festival, you know.'
5. Complete maggots who give up drink for Lent and then get spectacularly blitzed the day before, during and the day after St Patrick's and then immediately re-assume the high moral ground before their hangover is cold in its grave.
6. Utter gobshites who patronize Irish-American visitors by insisting that only the indigenous Irish know how Saint Pat's should be really celebrated. Unless your idea of a celebration is watching a few auld floats loaded with livestock, a pipe band led by a bedraggled wolfhound and some priests trundle by in the rain, they don't. The yanks have always done it better.
7. Irritating puss faces who challenge anyone with an English accent their right to wear the shamrock, paint their face green white and orange, or enter an informal Shane McGowan drinkalike competition for the duration of the festival.
8. Armchair republicans who think wearing a Celtic replica shirt and singing a few Wolfe Tone come all ye's demonstrates the purest love of their cultural identity. A special dispensation from this section exists for anyone who grew up under the aegis of the Prevention of Terrorism Act or the NI Special Powers legislation.
9. Traditional musicians in paid sessions who act like they're Druidic guardians of Holy Celtic culture rather than hired banjos who couldn't get a gig anywhere else and who shush loudly while some amadán destroys The Lonesome Boatman on a tin whistle.
10. Cute whoor bar owners who add a St Patrick's Day surcharge to their already over-inflated prices.
11. The same whoors who add a cover charge to pay for the dubious services of the musicians in section 9. And then pocket the difference between the charge and what they actually pay.
12. Community arts gobdaws who think Macnas is something to be emulated, rather than utterly eradicated like the street theatre plague carrier it is, and who dress under-nourished kids from Dolphins Barn up like survivors of a nuclear holocaust, smear their faces in manure and force them out half naked on to the streets in March.
13. RTE TV commentators watching the parade who say things like 'It's all got too much for someone there' Or 'Isn't that (insert minor celeb here) there? S/he looks like s/he's having a day of it.' Or 'Today's the day everyone wishes they were Irish' (usually said just after the camera picks out a black, brown or yellow face in the crowd).
14. Anyone, anywhere who calls the day in question 'St Patty's'.
15. Helpful head the balls who suggest dyeing the Liffey green, like they do in New York, having failed to notice it already is green, like 365.
16. Smug sleeveens who preface every conversation on the day with 'Did I tell you about the time I spent St Pat's in an Irish theme bar in Latvia/tagging jaguars in the Orinoco Basin/amongst the headhunting tribes of the Seepik Highlands who worship Prince Philip as a god? Boy, them boys could sup stout.'
17. Any begrudging bollocks who fails to understand that St Patrick's Day festivities are for migrants. We invented them and we own the copyright. It's the one day wherever you find yourself in the world that it's ok to be a Paddy. Except possibly in Ireland.
Have a nice time, folks, but be careful out there.