Be sure your shins will find you out

The news that Bertie Ahern has broken his leg comes as no surprise to this writer. It was almost inevitable that slipping the net the way he did would have consequences of one sort or another.

We've all seen The Sopranos. If you accept unsolicited dig-outs from businessmen who go informally by names like Fat Tony, Big Patrick and Earless Joe or put yourself in hock to the nuns and then renege on the vigorish just because you've been forced into early retirement and can't make the payments on your pension, you have to expect some kind of sanctions, now don't you? After all they can't repossess a house he never owned in the first place or drag the wee bollix through the small claims court for failing to live up to expectations.

Alternatively, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Brian 'biffo' Cowan either. There's a man with a motive after the mess he was left to sort out. A wee camán-assisted tib and fib re-alignment would be small beer to that lad I'm after thinking.

As for the 'fell down the stairs' story that FF sources are pushing, sure haven't we all heard that one before? It rings about as true as the old 'walked into a door' explanation for a black eye.
If we hear sometime soon of a former Taoiseach turning up at low tide on the Liffey wearing a pair of concrete wellies with a couple of house bricks in his pockets, then it probably won't be Albert Reynolds is all I'm prepared to say.


I nicked today's picture from green ink Liam-Bob says check him/her out

Let joy be unconfined: Bertie calls it a day


Back in January I decided to limit my postings only to the shiny happy smiley things that I encountered in Irish current affairs. This is one of those moments.

The dodger of Drumcondra, the knave of the Nort'side has finally done the right thing and fallen on his sword or, knowing him, fallen on a sword borrowed from some mates in England to help him through a 'difficult period of public life'.

He's given notice that he'll stop darkening the towels of Leinster House on May 6th. This should allow him plenty of time to sweep up any loose change from down the side of the the Dail benches and melt down the silverware from Farmleigh House to make his fare on the next boat to the Cayman Islands or anywhere beyond the reach of the Mahon Tribunal, the Revenue Commissioners or the Criminal Assets Bureau.

Now if only someone could come up with evidence of Mary Harney corruptly receiving a container load of cream buns in exchange for destroying the health service.......

Just Far Too Much

Last Saturday night saw the launch of the 'Far too much Bertie' sticker campaign in Dublin. Enterprising anti-Fianna Fáil-er, Kevin Cotter started distributing the first of 200,000 stickers in protest at our beloved leader's recent and, I might add, well-deserved pay increase. (Shafting a country of 4 million people on a daily basis is no easy job, I'll have you know, and should be remunerated accordingly IMHO).

Nevertheless, campaigns like this should be encouraged if only to show what an enlightened politically engaged culture we inhabit. What's a thousand Euros on stickers when them barrister lads beyond in Dublin Castle spend more than that on sangwich for their dinners? The possibilities for extending the idea to other politicians are limitless and doubtless someone with more time on their hands than I is already hard at work producing worthy successors.

Still, on foot of the recent disclosures that Pavarotti's will is being contested by members of his family because he left his clothes to a certain ex-Tánaiste and Minister for (ill-)Health, I propose the following candidate


Any seconders?

'I have never met a bigger one than Bertie Ahern'

Tony Blair

I assume they're still counting the silverware over beyond at the palace of Westminster after Bertie's visit yesterday. I know I would be.

Make Mine a Cliché


I love my country but there are times, like most days, when I just despair. As a wise man, I think it was Twenty Major or it might have been Bock, possibly said 'it makes you wanna holler some times' (actually no, it was Gil Scott-Heron come to think of it).

There have been periods in my time here when my despondency over the state of the nation has plumbed such depths that a mere glance at the headlines would bring me out in the rash-like symptoms which are the psychosomatic accompaniment of deeply repressed rage and frustration.

To cope, I have gone weeks starting the Irish Times from the back and rarely straying beyond Crosaire, and Brendan McWilliam's weather column. Anything else would have me being drip-fed Class A pharmaceuticals in a back ward at St Ita's-on-Sea. There are only so many times in confronting the news here that you can shrug your shoulders and scream 'What the fuck else do you expect!' at passers-by on Dame Street.

This has definitely been one of those 'what the fuck else do you expect?' news weeks.

Here are just a few of the many stories that red-lined on the Where Angels Fear' melancholometer this week:

The Director of Public Prosecutions went for a nice meal with his wife and possibly a round or two of golf followed a by a mini-break in Lanzarote before public opinion in the shape of Joe Duffy, Pat Kenny and yer moaning wan from Cork on Newstalk 106, probably, forced him to appeal against the 3 year suspended sentence for rape handed down by district court mentaller Justice Paul Carney.

The dozy old beak observed that Adam Keane of Barnageeha, Daragh, Co Clare had said the rape was out of character for him and that he came from a respectable home. Oh well then, that's a comfort to his victim. Maybe he could invite her round for tea on the best delph by way of recompense.

Footnote: Ancient Brehon Law allowed for a category of marriage arising from 'sexual intercourse with an unconscious woman'. Perhaps Carney's sentence was an attempt to turn the clock back 1500 rather than merely 50 years.

Bent Galway councillor Michael Fahy refused to resign his seat on 'considered and conscientious grounds' and sought leave to appeal a jail sentence for misuse of public funds for personal property improvements. I would suggest Galway CC fund a nice cast iron lamp-post for the Fahy estate from which to string the fecker up, but with his neck he'd probably survive.

Newstalk 106 Galway vox-pop consensus: 'He's a great fellow who's done a lot of good for the community.' Ah they're as charitable as they are fucking stupid, them boggers. I can see why they let them keep the vote.

Galway water officials confirmed they all have shares in Ballygowan, Bord Gáis and the ESB as water boiling goes on apace around the county. An outbreak of the squitters in recent weeks has forced officials to resume the hunt for the cryptosporidium bacteria, them little critters on the right there, which are the presumed source of the outbreak. Thing is, these lads have known about the risk since 2005 and did shag all about it. They now claim they can't find the contaminated source.

I know it rains a lot but how many water sources are there in Galway? It's not like they have to take a microscope to every tap and spigot in the county for fuck's sake.

Meanwhile in Brussels, the European Commission is hauling the state up before the ECJ because of its failure to comply with 25 year old legislation on environmental protection. The commission has also decided to refer Ireland to the ECJ for failing to pass legislation that would give citizens the right to easily challenge the legality of public authority decisions on environmental grounds.

In the same vein, at the opening of the tribal gathering of the men with skulls on sticks, otherwise known as the Fianna Fáil Ard Fhéis, the current head man Bertie Aherne has said he was not going to be lectured to about environmental policy by parties "who think things up by the day".

Begob, Bertram, that's more time than you give it you (hesitates here for fear of accusations of plagiarism) cunt.